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My name is Coreen Costello. I live in Agoura, California, with my husband Jim and our son Chad and daughter Carlyn. Jim is a chiropractor and I love being a full-time, stay-at- home wife and mom. I am a registered Republican, and very conservative. I donžt believe in abortion. Because of my deeply held Christian beliefs, I knew that I would never have an abortion. In fact, I remember a few years ago when I was nursing my son Chad, I watched a speech Congressman Hyde gave on C-SPAN against abortion. It was so eloquent, it moved me to tears. I even participated in the žWalk for Lifež sponsored by our local Christian radio station.
Even now, I am amazed at the fact that I am here. I never would have believed that I would be testifying in Congress, supporting an abortion procedure.
In March of last year, we were joyfully expecting the arrival of our third child. Then on March 24, almost a year ago to the day, when I was seven months pregnant, I began having premature contractions and my husband and I rushed to the hospital.
During an ultrasound, the physician became very silent. Soon more physicians came in. Jim told me everything would be fine but I knew there was something very wrong. I went into the bathroom and sobbed. I begged God to let my baby be okay. I prayed like Ižve never prayed before in my life.
My husband reassured me that we could deal with whatever was wrong. We had talked about raising a child with disabilities and there was never a question that we would take whatever God gave us.
My doctor arrived at two in the morning. He held my hand, and informed me that they did not expect our baby to live. She was unable to absorb the amniotic fluid and it was puddling into my uterus. This poor precious child had a lethal neurological disorder and had been unable to move for almost two months. The movements I had been feeling over the last few months had been nothing more than bubbles and fluid. Her chest cavity was unable to rise and fall to stretch her lungs to prepare them for air. It was as if she had no lungs at all. Her vital organs were atrophying. Our darling little girl was going to die.
A perinatologist recommended terminating the pregnancy. For my husband and me, this was not an option. We chose to wait to go into labor naturally. We knew that it would not be long. Due to the excess amniotic fluid, a condition called polyhydramnios, premature labor was imminent. I wanted her to come on Godžs time -- I didnžt want to interfere.
It was so difficult to go home and be pregnant and go on with life, knowing my baby was dying. I wanted to stay in bed. My husband looked at me and said, žCoreen, this baby is still with us. Letžs be proud of her. Letžs make these last days of her life as special as possible.ž I got out of bed and put on my best maternity clothes, and went out with my daughter Carlyn to get ready for her fifth birthday party. I could feel my babyžs life inside of me, and somehow I still glowed. At this time we chose her name -- Katherine Grace. žKatherinež meaning pure, and žGracež representing Godžs mercy.
We went to many more experts over the next two weeks. It was discovered that Katherinežs body was rigid and she was wedged in a transverse position. Most babies are in the fetal position, but Katherinežs position was exactly the opposite. It was as if she were doing a swan dive -- the soles of her feet were touching the back of her head. Her body was in a U-shape. Due to swelling, her head was already larger than that of a full-term baby. I did exercises every day, trying to change Katherinežs position so that she could be delivered naturally. The amniotic fluid continued to puddle into my uterus.
No one expected her to survive labor, but if she had survived a natural birth or a C-section, we knew she would have suffocated immediately after the umbilical cord was cut. She had no lungs. She couldnžt take even one breath. More and more ultrasounds made that terrible truth clearer and clearer, that if she were born, her passing would not be peaceful or painless. But we kept praying for a miracle, hoping that she would be able to pass away with our arms wrapped tightly around her, hearing us telling her how much we loved her.
We went back to the hospital again and again, thinking I was in labor. We were completely prepared to bring her into the world, with the hope of having her with us even just for a moment. This was my mission. But it was not to be. We decided to baptize her in utero, while we knew she was still alive.
By this time, Ižd seen my own obstetrician, two resident obstetricians at Cedars-Sinai, and four perinatologists. Each of these doctors had consulted with other experts. The doctors all agreed that our safest option was an intact D&E, but Jim and I couldnžt face the horrible thought of having an abortion.
Finally, after two and a half weeks, I went to my own doctor again for another ultrasound. The polyhydramnios had grown even worse and my husband and our whole family were afraid for my health. I could not sit or lie down for more than ten minutes because the pressure on my lungs was so great. But I wasnžt worried about myself -- I only thought of Katherine.
When Dr. Crane performed the ultrasound, Katherinežs heart was barely beating. My doctor turned to my husband and said, žI canžt deliver this baby. I could try, but Ižm convinced we would end up doing a caesarean and under the circumstances, that is just too dangerous.ž He said, žI have to send you to Dr. McMahon.ž
I gasped out loud. Dr. Crane said to Jim, žThis is about Coreen now.ž I began to cry. Again I said, žWhat about a caesarean?ž Dr. Crane said, žI canžt justify that risk to you. There is a safer way.ž When I saw the anguish on my doctoržs face, I knew that we had no other choice. Dr. Crane supported us so much in our decision to have Katherine naturally, and he knew that we would have to live with our decision for the rest of our lives. When I saw the pain on his face, I knew I had to go. This wasnžt a choice anymore. It wasnžt up to us. There was no reason to risk leaving my children motherless if there was no hope of saving Katherine.
We drove to Los Angeles. I cried the whole way, patting my tummy and promising Katherine we would never let anyone hurt or devalue her. On the way, Jim was adamant that if we werenžt comfortable, we would turn around and leave no matter what. There was no way he would let his little girlžs life end in a way that didnžt give her respect and dignity. Ižd never felt so scared and sick to my stomach in my life. I kept asking God, žWhy are you making this so difficult for us?ž
We expected a cold gray building. . .we expected an abortion mill. We expected people who cared about me, but not about Katherine. When we arrived, the place was beautiful and peaceful. But when we walked in, I was still very defensive. I didnžt trust these people.
The staff greeted us with such warmth and kindness. I was immediately taken in to see Gale McMahon, the clinicžs head nurse. We started to talk, and Gale asked if we had named our baby. žHer name is Katherine Grace,ž I said and began to cry. When I looked up, she too had tears in her eyes. At that moment a little bit of my wall broke down.
Gale explained the procedure in detail. My husband asked a lot of questions. I was numb -- I just kept thinking about Katherine. We then went in to see Dr. McMahon. As he met with us, he performed another ultrasound. I canžt tell you the compassion he had for us. He knew how much discomfort I was in from the polyhydramnios and the size of my uterus, and how much we were both suffering at losing our little girl. He was so gentle and kind.
Dr. McMahon immediately asked me the same question Gale had: žHave you named her?ž He never referred to her as fetal tissue, or a fetus, or even just a baby. She was always Katherine.
He told us that my condition meant that we had to do this procedure right away. My uterus was far too full of fluid to wait. We asked if there was any way that Katherine could be born alive. He looked carefully at the ultrasound, measured her head and explained sadly how large it was, and said that there was no way it could fit through my cervix without draining some of the fluid. He also explained that due to the difficulty of the position she was in, they would have to go inside my womb and for that, I would be put under heavy anesthesia. With her heartbeat as irregular and slow as it was already, he did not think she would survive the anesthesia.
It was so hard to accept, but we began to understand that it was what we had to do. After Dr. McMahon explained the procedure to us again, I felt comforted. He and his staff understood the pain and anguish we were feeling. I realized I was in the right place. This was the safest way for me to deliver. This left open the possibility of more children. It greatly lowered the health risk to me. Most important, it offered a peaceful, painless passing for Katherine Grace.
For many women, this procedure takes longer, but I went into labor very quickly after Dr. McMahon put in the first set of dilators. When I came back the next morning, my cervix was already dilated sufficiently, and it was time to begin the surgery. I was put under anesthesia.
When I awoke a few hours later, Katherine was brought in to us. Gale gave her to me and said, žShežs beautiful.ž Gale helped me to bond with her. She really was beautiful. She was not missing part of her brain. She had not been stabbed in the head with scissors. She looked peaceful. My husband and I held her tight and sobbed.
One of the things I noticed when I was holding Katherine was that the socks we bought for her were too big. Someone had taken tiny, soft pink ribbons, and tied them gently at the ankles so that her socks would fit. I canžt tell you the peace that brought me. I knew they were taking care of her just as we would. We stayed with her for hours, praying and singing lullabies. Giving her back was the hardest moment of my life.
Dr. McMahon and his staff helped us get through the dark days to come. They counseled us and gave us information on help for dealing with our grief -- not just for Jim and me, but for our children, so they could get through the grief of losing their sister, and for our parents, so they could cope with their grief at losing their granddaughter.
When I went back for my checkup, Dr. McMahon was so pleased that I was recovering well physically. But he was worried about how I was doing emotionally, and we talked a lot about how I felt. My arms were physically aching, and he told me I wasnžt alone, that so many women feel that way. Your arms ache to hold your baby. And then he told me something Ižve never forgotten. He said, žPeople donžt want to know that this happens. They donžt want to know that there are babies born with their brains outside their skulls, that there are babies for whom life is not a gift but only cruelty and pain and death. They donžt want to know what families like yours have to suffer.ž I didnžt realize just how true that was until I came here.
I know how many of you feel about abortion, because thatžs how I felt. I still am against abortion. Before this happened to me, I had a friend who had something terrible like this happen in a pregnancy shežd wanted very much. I tried to be empathetic and I never said anything to her that was not kind, but in my heart there was a part of me that judged her. I knew that I would never make that decision. I donžt judge anymore
. When I lost Katherine, I was devastated. For some reason God chose not to give her the gift of life. But losing her taught me how precious that gift of life is. I have my health, I have the ability to walk, to run, to enjoy life with my husband and my wonderful children. That is the gift that Dr. McMahonžs procedure gave me and I am grateful for that every day of my life.
Because of the safety of this procedure, I am now pregnant again and will have another baby in June. Thanks to the grace of God and the skill and compassion of Dr. McMahon, I can have another healthy baby. If you outlaw this surgical procedure, other women like me will be denied that gift, that joy. They may lose their ability to have more children; they may lose their health; they may lose their lives. The child that I carry today is by no means a replacement for Katherine. There will always be a hole in our hearts where she should be, but this baby is a sign that life goes on and that God is good.
Someday, wežll tell our little boy or girl this story. Wežll talk about Katherine, and how she changed our lives -- and how, in a way, she went to Washington. Wežll talk about how, even though her life ended before it could really begin, the way she left this world allowed us to have this new miracle. We pray that this story has a happy ending. We pray to be able to tell Chad, Carlyn and their little brother or sister that when Congress heard, really heard, the truth about the surgery that helped their Mom, the members of Congress realized that they had no business doing what they were trying to do. They knew that they could never understand. We didnžt understand before. Now we do. I pray that you will understand as well and put a stop to this terrible bill. When you vote on this bill again, please remember me. Remember my face, remember my name, remember my family and the child I am carrying.